During a promotional interview for Metro In Dino, Anupam Kher questioned the growing tendency to normalise friendships with ex-partners. He said, “Ye toh bada simple bana rahe hein cheezon ko. Aise aasani se bol rahe hei ki mai ex ke saath jaana chahta hun, current mere saath hai. So casual about it…When you allow somebody else to be friends with your ex…they have been intimate with each other.”
His concern was not moralistic but deeply emotional because ex-partners carry intimacy, memories, and shared history—things that don’t disappear simply because a relationship ends.
How does this work in the real world?
According to Dr Ashish Pandey, Counselling Psychologist at Mano Srijan Wellness Centre, Kanpur, expecting partners to be completely comfortable with their significant other maintaining friendships with exes is often unrealistic. “Such expectations ignore natural emotional boundaries,” he explains. Even when intentions are genuine, ex-partners can trigger insecurity, comparison, or vulnerability in a current relationship. What matters more than forced comfort, he says, is transparency, mutually agreed boundaries, respect for feelings, and reassurance.
In modern relationship discourse, jealousy is often dismissed as a sign of insecurity or emotional immaturity. Dr Pandey disagrees with this oversimplification. When an ex still has emotional access, the brain registers it as risk, not weakness, he elaborates. “Jealousy becomes unhealthy only when it controls behaviour. When it signals the need for reassurance and clarity, it is actually healthy,” he notes.
On past intimacy
From a psychological lens, past intimacy doesn’t simply vanish when people claim they’ve “moved on,” says Dr Pandey. He explains that the brain does not delete emotional experiences—it stores them. Shared memories leave behind neural pathways, attachment imprints, and emotional reflexes. Even if conscious feelings fade, implicit memory remains.
“This is why familiarity with an ex can still feel emotionally charged, old patterns can resurface during stress, and subconscious comparisons occur.” True moving on, Dr Pandey emphasises, comes from processing the past, not avoiding it.”
So how can couples differentiate between healthy trust and emotional overexposure, especially when ex-partners remain in the social circle?
Healthy trust is built on transparency without secrecy, clear boundaries agreed upon by both partners, emotional loyalty, and a sense of prioritisation, elaborates Dr Pandey. “If an interaction with an ex creates confusion, comparison, secrecy, or emotional displacement, it has crossed a boundary. Trust doesn’t mean unlimited openness—it means creating emotional safety while respecting psychological reality. In that sense, Anupam Kher’s discomfort reflects not conservatism, but a recognition of how deeply human emotions actually work.”
DISCLAIMER: This article is based on information from the public domain and/or the experts we spoke to.
